Complaints of a Girl in Love

…and all the joys that come once I realize what love really is

Month: October, 2013

More memories

We were outside of the old high school. He was sitting in the shade of that old oak tree, on the short brick wall. It was hot. Extremely hot. I had gone to get a bottle of water. I walked over and stood on the wall. He asked me for a drink. So I handed him the bottle. I’ve never been the germaphobic type.

He handed it back to me and I drank as well. And just like that, we were one. It may not have meant anything to him, but it did to me. And I know it sounds stupid. Utterly rediculous. But I like stupid little things like that. Things that he doesn’t even remember now. Things like…

Wednesday night at the block party. It was raining, remember? Raining so, so hard. So we had to eat inside. And I sat at the table, right at the end, and Stacey was on the very end, you know? And he came and pulled up a chair right between us. And I wouldn’t even look at him cause I was “Mad.” at him. But he had his foot on Stacey’s and she was like, “dude, you’re standing on my foot.” And he looked down and said, “Oh sorry. You have a beautiful foot.” And then he turned and looked at mine and said, “So do you.” And we laughed about that for ages. And that same night, remember “I appreciate you too.” ? And remember when we were at the high school and he tried to take one of the sonic slushies we had bought for our crew?

I can’t do this anymore.

It’s been awhile

It’s been awhile. It’s been awhile since I felt like I knew him. But yesterday that changed. More has happened in the past three days than I can even begin to tell…

I keep forgetting. I keep just loving him out of habit, because I’m used to it. But yesterday I loved him because of him. Becasue of the things he said, the way he said them. I loved him for thinking I was shallow when I tried to make him jealous. I loved him for agreeing that he would have beat up whoever had sent me that message. I loved him for catching me and Khory when we were searching through his messages to try and find black-mail. (I was only kidding about that of course.) 

I loved him for forgiving me.

And now all I can do is hope and pray that God’s will is for us to be together. If it is not then I will be glad it happened. If so…I will smile for eternity. And he will too. He’ll smile, that little, cheesy smile that he used to do when he sat by me. Back when we didn’t know what love or pain was. Back when our biggest worry was weather or not people believed our lie that we weren’t made for each other.

Just another day without him

It has been such a hard week, not talking to him. I’ve been so tempted to make assumptions. But I tried so hard not to. Tomorrow I can call him. I might not because he might be at work. That is, if he has a job. I might wait until Thursday. But I will call him. I have to.

This post is proving to be quite boring. But that makes sense because we are boring right now. Nothing is happening! Nothing!

I wish I could just sleep til Thursday. But I know he wouldn’t want me to. He would tell me to do my work and eat and sleep at nights and “whatever you do, don’t cry.” That is what he would want. So that’s what I’ll do. Try to do.

So hard.

It’s so hard. I’m not aloud to call him. I am aloud to send him two messages, but what’s the use? He doesn’t care for me anymore. I know that now. He saw my post on Facebook. He didn’t even like it. I mean, it was the least he could do. 

Oh Taylor, you’re such a pretty little girl. You can have any boy you want. Please don’t want him. Please. He’ll only hurt you anyways. Please, he is supposed to be mine. Don’t take him from me.

I can’t do this, who am I kidding? Please God, don’t let him slip away. Please dear God, bring him back to me. Bring him back to you

It’s so hard. And I miss him so much. But mostly, I think I miss missing him. I think that’s what it is really. I want to miss him. And I want hm to miss me. And he doesn’t. At all. And that is not a good feeling at all. 

Monday.

Lately I’ve been reading through our old messages, and reading old diary entries about him, and I suddenly remember why I am in love with him.

Yesterday was Monday. All of my friends on Facebook tend to do this “man crsuh monday” thing, so I thought I’d give it a go. And so I did. I posted a picture of him and said “My MCM? This guy! 🙂 Possibly the best friend I have ever had, and someone who I trust very much. I know that no matter if we are fighting or if we are mad, it doesn’t matter what time of day or night, I can always call him if I need someone!”

It felt good to do that. He hasn’t been on F.B. since then I don’t think, so he hasn’t seen it as far as I know. But he will. I don’t know how he will react. But It doesn’t matter. Because I love him. And that is all there is to it.

Peer Pressure

I don’t know what to believe anymore. I wish I could just drive down there and cry in his arms. See that’s the thing about our relationship. It doesn’t matter what odds we are at, we can still cry in the others arms. Not just literally. But like, if we’ve been in a fight and we stop talking, but the next day one of us is hurt and needs someone, we still go right to each other.

And that’s what I want to do now.

I don’t like his friends. I know I can’t choose who he hangs out with, but I really don’t like them. He spent the weekend with a guy named Khory. I cannot stand Khory. I’ve never met him a day in my life but I cannot stand him. He makes my best friend act like a “male GT” as my sister would say. I know, I know, he has to choose how he acts, no one else can. But he is so susceptible to peer pressure. My poor little baby doesn’t know how to stand up. I’m trying to teach him. I’m praying that God will teach him. I’m praying rather hard. And God is hearing I know, but I am awful impaitent.

I just wish he would realize who his real friends are. Because he does have real friends, who love him ever so much. But he doesn’t realize it. He thinks that they will judge him, but they won’t, really they won’t. I won’t. I love him. And I trust him. And I told him so. I told him that I trusted him. Because that is what friends do. They trust.

In the beginning

I’m going to start telling the whole story. Not all at once, but bits and peices. Since nothing else is happening right now.

…Well we met on a Saturday. It was a late afternoon, in July. The sun was starting to go down behind the trees across the road from the church. Hope baptist church had come to our church to stay the weekend before world changers. And he was with them. He wasn’t supposed to be there. Someone had cancelled at the last minute, and so there he was. That was more than a year ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I saw him, and you know what? I knew. I knew it, I said, there is my Frodo. I will be his Sam and I will never leave him. And I don’t think I ever have.

Home

I finally got him to call me. At last! But I didn’t tell him. Why? Because my brother was in the room and that would have been awkward times 7. So I didn’t. Then he asked me if it snowed here. (Because he doesn’t live here you know.) I told him rarely. Then he said he had to go. So we hung up. We had only talked for 7 minutes. You think I’m making that up? Hardly!

But then (and this killed me) I hadn’t told him I loved him before haging up. So then I had to message him and apologize for not doing so. You know what he said? “lol Love ya.” Just like that. But you know,  I wonder if he even means it like he used to mean it. Like I mean it. I do wonder.

Now that I’ve decided that I’m not going to leave him, it’s a lot easier to remember. Last night, I listened to his voice as he talked. I didn’t get chills or butterflies. I didn’t hyperventhilate. My voice didn’t go high pitched and I didn’t giggle constantly. Why? His voice was home. Who giggles or gets butterflies from going home? Seriously? No one.

They say home is where the heart is. If that is so, then I am not home at all.

I saw him a little more than a month ago, in his hometown. When I had to go home (and by home, I mean here) I made a decision. As long as I was here, I would pretend I was just on a vacation, a trip. That I was going to school out of town. Something. Anything. But that THAT was my home. And ever since then, it’s not quite so hard. Because I know I will be back there soon.

“I love you too.”

He said he loves me. He did, just like that, just like he used to. We were just talking, like we used to, you know? We were getting along and we were okay and he told me to go eat like he always does when I don’t and I said I love you and he said “Love you too.” Just like that. Why, he hasn’t said that in months!

Should I believe him?

Should I forget him like I said I was going to?

Should I call him, not trusting him to call like he said he would?

Should I call his Mother and admit that I am in love with her son?

Should I just wait?

I guess I’ll just wait. But if he doesn’t call I’m not promising that I won’t call him. Because I most likely will. I usually do. Though I try so hard not to…

Memories of the Best Kind

I just want to remember today. I want to reminisce about the week I first met him.  The first time he put his arm around my shoulder, the first time he put his hand in mine because he saw the tears in my eyes, the first time I tried to be mad at him. The first time I failed.

I want to remember that day I first saw him, standing there in the late sunlight. In my own hometown that soon became his home as well as mine. And the next night as I outran him while we played tag as if we were only nine years old. And we might as well have been for that matter, because love is such a childish thing. And I mean that in a very good way. Because no one can love quite as well as a child.

I want to remember the first time I watched as he sangs hymns in church, praying he wouldn’t notice me watching him. I want to recall the times when he would call me just to talk. I want to bring back the feelings I got when he would brush his finger against mine. But then again, I am reminded of what C.S. Lewis said;  “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”

And I know this to be true. Because I have loved him for over a year now, and the times I let it rest on how I felt were the times when I lost it all. But the times I focused on him and what he needed were the best times of all.

But I am still going to listen to Taylor Swift songs, close my eyes, take a sip of chocolate milk, and try to remember every detail. And hope and pray that he will call me today.