Complaints of a Girl in Love

…and all the joys that come once I realize what love really is

Month: December, 2013

Friday musings

You may not realize this, but I love loving him. It’s a lot of fun really. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder though, what if I hadn’t met him? What if that spot hadn’t opened up and he didn’t come and I didn’t fall in love with him? I have no idea where I would be. I might have gone insane without him. That’s just the truth of it. The past year, so much has happened and I really don’t know if I could have stayed sane without him. He was there. He was right there and he fixed everything. Perfectly.

Okay, now I really miss him. I’m going to start calling him again I think, since it was so good last time. But I won’t get a chance today. Maybe if he’s home tomorrow.

Someday we’ll be okay again.

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Just like that

You didn’t think I would do it, did you? You didn’t believe I would actually call him. But I did. Ha!

Okay, so I probably wouldn’t have if my sister and friend weren’t there, and if I didn’t already have to call people, but regardless, I called him. He seemed really confused as to why I was calling him. That was alright with me. He was getting ready to go to church. I asked him where he was going, and he told me what church and said “That’s where my girlfriend goes.” I said “I know.” He was all like, “Wait, how do you know that???” 

“Because I’m a stalker.” Okay, that was a joke and I had to tell him that but he probably thinks I am a stalker. And right now….I’m alright with that. It was good to talk to him. It really was. And I’m gonna do it again. Now I remember why he always came to me when he broke up with his girlfriends, it was because I always kept talking to him even while they were still dating. 

No, no, no, not like that! Come on people, I’m not some kind of creep GT or something. I was just his friend in those times, when he needed a friend more than anything. I miss that. I want it back. And so I’m gonna get it back. Just. Like. That. 🙂

To me, my dear, you are first.

If she makes him second one more time she is going to regret it. I wonder what Jane would say if she knew. She’d probably not be too happy. I know I’m not. I wonder what ever happened to dancey pants…oh well. I know she wouldn’t be happy. She at least said he was perfect, even if she didn’t believe it. 

Sometimes I really do want to break them up. Oh it would be so easy, it’s not even funny! But I know if I did that he would know and he would hate me forever. It would almost be worth it. Almost.

“Those three words, I said too much, but not enough…”

I never did call him of course, I found other distractions. Today is a Wednesday. I don’t know what that might mean. It might mean he’s not working. It might mean he’s going to his little girl’s church instead of his. I don’t really know. Better for him to be there than at home, or at Khory’s. Better for him to live with her than to die with me. But then, I would never let him. I know better now. Now I would be there for him, no matter what the cost.

I need my best friend back please.

Last night I cried and it felt good. But it didn’t last. Soon my eyes were dry and burning, my chest was heaving, my head was spinning. And I just wanted to go and curl up and fall asleep at his feet. 

I want to cry again today, but is that too much? Is this even worth it anymore? I actually might call him today, I know I never do when I say I’m going to, but I have nothing better to do so why not? I need him back, even just as a friend. To have him as my friend again would be enough for me. I would be happy again.

I need my best friend back. I do, I do. 

Of course, I don’t feel nearly as desperate right now as I sound, but I did, and I will, so why not write? I don’t know…I don’t act like I care. Talking to (Oh what should I call him…Oh yeah. Aaron.)…talking to Aaron, making him my “mcm” like I even care. Please. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but honest, I don’t love him. He’s just not Dutch. He’s just not mine.

Pray and Wait

I made him mad. I didn’t mean to but I did and I regret it so much…we’ve never been so far apart. And I miss him like crazy. And it hurts so bad. 

BUT!!  Since I gave it to God, I feel so much better. It’s amazing. Yes, I still love him. But I know God has my life all worked out. So I’ll just pray and wait.

Enter Cooper (AKA the only one who puts up with my nonsense)

I cannot take this. He’s dating a different girl now??? What is this? Come on! If I had known he wasn’t dating miss dancey pants anymore I woulda sent that message! Ugh. Man this is annoying.

Last night was torture. My nerve problem came back and everything hurt and I just wanted him. I was telling my friend (we’ll call him Cooper) about it late last night and he was like “oh, I think I know who :)” Well he did know and it was because of something he said. (Okay I just realized I have to call him something in this blog. Lets call him Dutch. Don’t ask why.) So anyways, Cooper knew and I asked if he doesn’t think it’s weird that I love Dutch, but he said only because of how little time we’ve been around each other. See, Cooper is cool like that. He tolerates Dutch, unlike most people.

Alright, now hold on just a second. You don’t really believe all of this is a true story, do you? Well it is, so there. You have to believe it. Please. I need someone to, anyone.

I think he’s gonna play football this spring (I know, spring football? Don’t ask.) which is good cause I hate basketball. (watching it anyways.) I don’t think he’s going to the school I wanted him to though. I really, really did want him to go there…

“So go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy, that’s fine I’ll tell mine your gay.” Sorry I have a bad habit of listening to Taylor Swift when I’m upset.

This post is very random. I can’t wait for Christmas. Eight more days til the 21st. That’s our wedding date you know.

When I want to cry

I just want to cry, is that too much to ask? Every time I see a picture of him I want to cry again. Which is just awful because I simply do not have time for that. 

Oh but I want to! 

I have Matt’s number now. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I got it. So now if I ever need him…He said I could call. Most people don’t mean it when they say that. But I think he did. And I don’t think you should say that without meaning it. Do you? I don’t.

I miss him. I want him back. I want him to be my best friend again, to beg my mom for five more minutes on the phone, to tell me all his hopes and dreams…I want him to be looking at me like that.

That’s it. I’m calling him today. It is Thursday right? I don’t have time. I have to go to work later, and I have to go to my friends chorus program, I have to clean and I have school and-

Okay. I’ll call him. If I get half a chance, I will call him.

Thanks be to Matt

Yesterday he posted pictures of his new hair cut, you know? But of course, when guys post pictures of their hair cut, it’s really just and excuse to post pictured of their face. Which he did. And I died. He just looked so old. So…the way I always imagined him looking…on our wedding day. Okay, okay! I get it. Anyways I wanted to cry because of how much I missed him right then. But then he posted the rest of the pictures. And I realized that he was at Matt’s house.

I could not stop grinning! I can’t even remember the last time he was at Matt’s. It must have been before Y.R. at least, right? So yeah. I guess today will be a good day for them. I prayed for them last night. You know.

He just looked so…so himself. Like I see him. Like I always have.

HA! HAHAHAHA! HE WAS WITH MATT, NOT YOUUUU!!! HAHAHAHA! HA. AND I HOPE MATT TELLS HIM ALL ABOUT HOW I LOVE HIM AND YOUUU DON’T!!! 

I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. But it still felt good.

Dreams and things

I have no right to be dreaming of any other boy. So why am I? I guess just to prove that I don’t want another boy. I sure regretted it in my dream. Okay, okay, maybe I stake too much on my dreams. But that’s just me.

“I love you, I really do, I’m sorry I screwed things up but I’m over that now and, well, I’m never gonna leave you again…

I know that sounds stupid.”

“No it doesn’t.”

Oh but it does.

 

Why? why why why why why.

I don’t know why he always does it. I don’t know why he would lie to these girls and expect them to stay. But then, they do stay pretty often, don’t they?

That infuriates me. 

That really makes me mad, I just don’t understand. I just don’t know why he would do it…

I just don’t know why he hates me so much. When I loved him oh so much…