Complaints of a Girl in Love

…and all the joys that come once I realize what love really is

Month: January, 2014

I hate love triangles.

“He is jelly.” he said. “He’s mad jelly.”

“I know.”

But I don’t want him to be. I never want anyone to be jealous. Especially not my best friend…

He is my best friend. And I’m gonna tell him so too. And I hope he realizes someday why I can never be with him. And I hope he gets over this stupid jealousy thing. Cause it’s getting annoying, and I hate love triangles.

On a lighter note—okay, I don’t really have one. I’ll think of one eventually.

More dreams, less lust, high five to me!

I dream about him now. I said that before, didn’t I? Well I do. Sometimes I wonder why. When I go to sleep at night, I am rarely thinking of him. More often than not I am thinking about Mikey. Just because I talk to Mikey so much. I’ve begun to refer to him as my best friend. Bekah tells me that my world revolves around him. Which really isn’t all that accurate. But I don’t care.

But anyways, I don’t dream of Mikey, I dream of Brandon. And they are not always good dreams, but he is always good in them. And he doesn’t want me in them. I mean, he…I don’t know how to say it. With him it’s never lusty, you know? It’s always genuine. Like in real life. That’s why I like him. Why I love him.

No. No I am not in love with him. I don’t need, or even want to be. I just want to be like a sister and protect him until we are ready for something more. And until then I’m going to just that: protect him.

Take that Moss.

Sorry, I will tell you about Moss some other times. It’s a long story. 

Lies. (and maybe some truth mixed in)

Every time I remember that night, how he held me as if he would never let me go, I feel as if nothing can ever touch me.

Yes, life has been confusing lately. Yes, Mikey makes things confusing  for me. Yes, I get scared!

But when I remember that I have him, I don’t feel afraid anymore. When I remember that he cares for me, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. When I recall the way he looked at me that night, I know that nothing could tear us apart.

This is all lies of course, I am terribly afraid and Mikey makes things unbearable for me and I still have so many regrets. But you know, the more I talk about him…the more I actually believe it. Maybe I can fall in love with Brandon. I can try at least.

Holding on

I dream of him now. I love to dream of him.

A few hours ago I was laying in my bed. Or at least my body was. 

I was walking through the woods with Brandon and Bekah and Justin. Just us.

Justin was here last night. We all had a great time. Later he told me that he could not wait until he could be with my sister. I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t wait to be with his brother. I should have. 

He makes me so happy. They both do honestly.

Dreams and more dreams. Some awake, some asleep, some in the dark, but not quite awake or asleep. All of them beautiful. All of them make me anxious for the day when the four of us don’t have anything to hide, anything to hold onto.

For now we are holding on. To what, I’m not sure. But we’ll keep holding on for awhile longer. Because we love each other, and we know that we are worth it. We’re family. And family never gives up.

Just a thought

Okay, time for a thought. Just something I realized yesterday. I don’t want to move to fast, and act like I really want to marry this kid or anything like that, it was just a thought.

I love kids. I have lots of siblings and cousins and I love them all dearly. I have always wanted to be a mother, always always. I still do. 

I have always thought that when I got married, I would want to have children very soon after. I guess I thought maybe I would be lonely or something like that. I thought my family would not be complete until I had kids of my own.

Yesterday I had a thought. It wasn’t that deep. I wasn’t some kind of crazy revelation. I just thought to myself that if I ever did marry Brandon, I wouldn’t want (need) kids right away. I wouldn’t have to be a mother immediately to be fulfilled. I think I would just want to be his wife for awhile. Just have it be me and him…

Just us. I think that would make me happy. And more importantly, I think that it would make him happy. And that’s all I have wanted to do, is just make him happy. Because I love to see him smile. 

I’ll always want kids. I want very very much to be a mother. But I kinda want to be a wife and lover for just a little while first.

That’s all.

Slowing down, doubts, and my plan

Things have slowed down. Bekah and Justin are just kinda chilling, Josiah is just being the annoying little brother, Dutch and I are talking like friends, and I haven’t talked to Brandon in forever.

And I haven’t seen him since Christmas eve.

Weird right? 

All these thoughts want to run rampant through my mind and wreck up my heart.

you dont really like him, they say.

he’ll never love you anyways, they want me to believe.

what if you see him and you dont like him anymore and you break his heart? they ask.

what if he isnt who you think he is at all?

But I won’t listen to that nonsense. I plan to make him fall in love with me. And then I mean to love him as well. “I can’t decide if it’s a choice, getting swept away…”

 

Ninja

I just realized that I have left out the most fun part of the story, the part that has me dreaming about the future, the part that makes me grin every time I think about it.

And what would that be? Ninja. 

Okay, you may have no idea what ninja is, and if you have not been a teenager in the past 15 years, you most likely don’t. Ninja is the clean-fun, youth-group-safe, almost-adult-approved game that is the go-to game for most kids these days. Basically you stand in a circle, and you have to try to hit other peoples hands to get them “out” without getting your hands hit. And you can only move when it is your turn. So if you get in an uncomfortable position; deal with it.

So on Saturday night, the second night of the nativity, before we left, we were playing ninja. Weather on purpose or not, almost without fail, Brandon and I were the last two to get out of the game. We would then go at each other (this is the best part of the game, when only two people are left, because the game speeds up greatly) and for minutes we would try to hit each others hands, getting closer all the time, til we were almost touching. 

I won. Then he won. Did I hear someone say tie breaker?

Well the others wanted to be in the tie breaker too. And somehow we messed up and Josiah won. And so he was added to our new tie breaker. So it was just the three of us, facing off. But that didn’t last long, cause neither me or Brandon wanted my brother there, so we got him out quite quickly.

We never got to finish that game, because we had to leave. And that’s what has me imagining again. Think of all the possibilities! There are many. And if you can’t think of any, maybe you don’t understand the game. No, not ninja, the other game.

Oh forget it.  

And they all know.

After I re-met Mikey (we had met before, but never really talked) we started to talk a lot online. (You know, facebook or whatever.) Like, a lot. He called me “love.” I didn’t really care, and Bekah and Justin said that he just talked that way to everyone. But the more I talked to him, the more I realized that there was no way he talked like that to everyone. This guy liked me. And he liked me a lot.

One night on facebook, Bekah asked Justin if Mikey liked me. Justin said… “Well, the first thing he said when he saw her was “wow, she’s pretty.” and he kept asking me stuff about her. So yeah, he likes her.”

Come on now, you can’t make this stuff up!

He asked if I liked Mikey. I…I didn’t want to say no. Bekah said I had to. So Josiah said that I didn’t, not like that. Justin said that was what he expected. Which…I don’t know, for some reason that hurt.

Anyways, I took the keyboard and I said that I had already told Mikey something I shouldn’t have. Justin said “oh dear.” Which, he doesn’t say much. At all. He asked what I had told him. So I said, “I told him that I like Brandon.”

“Like, my little brother Brandon?”

“Yeah.”

“Dawww 🙂 ” he said. “I knew it”

And I guess he did. So a little later I asked him if Brandon liked me. He didn’t answer right away. Actually, it took him forever. Then he said, “Yep yep.” And that was like, the best moment ever. Oh I was so happy, and I was blushing, and my heart was racing…It felt wonderful. Then he said he hoped it was okay if Brandon knew that I liked him. Because he had to tell him in order to get him to admit it I guess. I said I guessed so. (It wasn’t like I had a choice.)

So that was that. I liked Brandon. Mikey liked me. But Brandon liked me too. And everyone knew everything. Everything was out in the open this time, you know? That felt kinda good. Very good. I was happy.

Christmas eve’s promise

That was Saturday night. The next Tuesday was Christmas eve, and we had candle light service at my church. I told Justin that he needed to bring Brandon. (Cause Justin comes to our church, and Brandon goes to his church still.) I didn’t know if he would, but he did. 

Now at this point I really hadn’t decided that I liked Brandon. Not at all. They came late so I didn’t get to see them til after service. I gave Brandon a hug. He didn’t seem to want to let go. Which was totally fine by me, despite the fact that all the old church ladies around me would sure make assumptions. Anyways when we let go it was kinda awkward and I hugged Justin. It wasn’t awkward for me and Brandon, but for the fact that Justin was right there. 

That night was our gift giving night and I ran around in the cold giving people presents and just being drunk on the Christmas air. I was beautiful I think. I think we got it that night. It was like a promise that someday, somehow, we were going to be us. Us. I don’t know. But I felt it.

Enter Brandon (and Mikey…)

So who is this new guy you seem so convinced is not a jerk like Dutch, you ask? Well I’ll tell you.

His name is (oh what shall I call him? can I really call people by their real names now??? sure, why not?) 🙂 his name is Brandon. I’ve known him for a few years. But I never thought about him like this before. He was just a kid. Just…there. We would do church stuff together. You know. But anyways, it was all because of Christmas. (Yes, I am making this a Christmas love story. Deal with it.) Me and my sister and brothers were helping his church with the live nativity that they do every year. Me and Bekah were angels. Justin (Bekah’s non-boyfriend) and Brandon and Josiah (my brother) were shepherds. I don’t remember if Mikey (the best friend) was there the first night…I don’t think he was. The first night was just plain normal. You know? 

But the next night we were all kinda restless. And me and Justin were winking at each other and stuff (we always do that. it means not a thing of course.) And I would wink at my brother, and Mikey, and Brandon. Mikey played along. Brandon did too…kinda. There were times I would just stare at him for minutes at a time cause it would make him blush and it was funny and he wouldn’t look at me. I could feel Mikey looking at me looking at Brandon, and that was just uncomfortable. 

That night when we were getting ready to leave, everyone was doing the hug circle thing. (you know, where everybody has to hug everybody else.) I gave Mikey a hug. I don’t know what he did but he did something because he and Justin laughed. I hung my head and he didn’t care. I didn’t feel loved, I felt made fun of. 

Then I hugged Brandon. He picked me up off the ground and held me tight. And long. And I felt…safe. Secure. Comfortable. Loved. 

That’s when I started to seriously consider him….and i’ll tell you more later. Because it gets better. A lot better. And I don’t have time right now.