He told me he wished he could see the future. I told him to pretend he could. “Look,” I said, “what do you see?”
“Me and you.”
That’s what he said.
He said one night that he wished he was with me right then. “Right now?”
“And what would you do if you were here, right now?”
“Not let go.” Come on guys, I’m not makin this stuff up, he said that!
“ever?” I asked.
“I don’t want to.”
For real y’all, I’m not makin this up, and there’s more too, but I won’t bore you with all that. See, last night was really hard trying to figure out what the right thing to do is, ya know? And so I’m tired. And so I’ll tell you more later. Cause I know you really do wanna hear this kinda stuff, cause it only happens in movies and fairy tales, and this isn’t a movie so it must be the latter. And I’m totally cool with that.
Oh and when we looked into “the future” we were walking somewhere. By a lake. It was calm and dark and warm and there were flowers and a house and…well it was awful beautiful, with the starts shining off the lake and all. And, well…maybe we were only pretending, but that has always been my favorite thing to do anyhow.
One more day, that’s all it will take I’m sure
Just one more day.
One more chance, tell me that you love me again and I might believe you, I might give you a chance
The benefit of the doubt, they call this.
If you just gave me one more paragraph, one more sweet sentence to make my morning wonderful, I might take you
Yes, it is flattery. I fall easily.
Just one more smile, one more time where I catch you blushing, one more time you take my hand, even though you’re more nervous than you’ve ever been,
I might believe you.
Or I might not. Because I’m not very good at believing anymore. And I’m sorry, but if you really love me, it might be awhile before I believe you cause I’m not good at trusting anymore. But if I were going to trust someone, it would be…
View original post 2 more words
It’s been awhile. A lot has happened, a lot has changed. A lot is forming a new kind of insanity. But we are both subtly attracted to insanity deep down. Or not so deep down.
You would not believe where we are.
He loves me you know. He does. And I love him as well. And I actually like him. I told him so too. That made him happy, you know, cause he likes me an awful lot. More than I like him really, and that’s saying something.
“The battle over flesh and blood cannot compare to the battle for the heart.”
“Love can only be found in freedom of choice. And for choice to exist, there must be an alternative to choose. Something as compelling as love.”
“But aren’t lovers always tempted to find another? You humans are lovers, yes? So you have this awful tendency to reject him who first loved you and follow after the intoxicating scents.”
“That was the advantage of a young mind–believing was easier.”
“The only barrier to apprehending the truth is our own unwillingness to see the world as it is instead of how we prefer it to be.”
Those are just some words of Ted Dekker that I have quoted to Mikey. I swear I could just converse with Dekker quotes and I would look like a genius.
I remember a long time ago when Mikey told me he wanted to rule the world. I told him I would be his wife. Not even his queen, just his wife. I told him that if he ruled the world he could have as many wives as he wanted. He said he only wanted one. I mean to be that one. And if there is only one, she will be queen.
I mean to be his queen, if I can. I don’t know that I can, but I can try.
Okay the real me is back now which means I am going to complain like I made this blog for. I can do that because I have every right to.
I never meant to fall in love with him.
Am I really in love? I’m so scared. I can’t be in love with him, I just can’t. I never meant for this to happen. But he is everything to me. He’s all I think about. I wake up with his name on my lips and the feel of his finger tips on my hand. I know he loves me and it is the best feeling I have ever had, really it is. But I cannot be in love.
I’m too young.
He doesn’t believe what I do.
What about Brandon? I haven’t even seen him since Christmas eve.
What about children? Mikey doesn’t even want children.
What about everything ever? What about the fact that we have hidden this from everyone and so they still talk about how they need to find him a girlfriend and what about how I just stand there and try to laugh and fail?
What about…what about the butterflies and the shivers and what about the dreams? Those aren’t real right? That means it isn’t real right, that means its all in my head.
Keep telling yourself that. Keep lying to yourself, just see what happens. I just never meant to fall in love with him.
This is not something that I want to post about. But I have to get it out. I was laying there on my bed shaking. I could hear his voice, asking if I was there. All I could do was shake.
But let me start at the beginning.
Last night I was texting Mikey. I was feeling sick and so I was just laying there texting him. That’s all. No big deal. We talked just like we always do. Trying to confuse each other and make each other uncomfortable when we both know we’d do anything to make the other one more comfortable in life.
It was late. I needed to go to sleep. So I told him so. He said goodnight and that he would talk to me later. I said “Goodnight love. I wish it wasn’t this way.” Or something like that.
“What way?” he wanted to know. I told him to disregard the last comment. But he wouldn’t drop it. He never does.
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t…I couldn’t say what I meant, I wasn’t even sure what I meant. I told him that and he said “then why say it?” “I don’t know.” I said. “I don’t know.”
“I’ve just been confused about some things lately.”
“That’s what I’m here for. To listen.”
“Not this time.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was laying on my bed, shaking. I could hardly move, hardly breathe. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t do that either. I was trying to find a way to delete the texts when somehow I accidentally called him. And I couldn’t figure out how to hang up.
The volume on the phone was really low. So I could hardly hear as he answered. I let the phone sit there for a minute as he talked, trying to figure out if I was really there. I picked it up slowly and put it to my ear to hear his voice. I was afraid he would hear me hyperventilating so I set it back down. Finally he hung up.
I texted him. “Did I just call you?” “Yeah.” “I didn’t mean to, ” I said trying to change the subject. “I don’t even know how I did that.”
He still wouldn’t let it go though. Finally I had to tell him that I would tell him later, but I had to go before the phone died.
“Okay. Loves you.”
“I love you too. So much. Goodnight Michael.”
“Goodnight my pretty.”
And that was that. I know after this post you are all going to be more confused than ever but I can’t help that. Not right now. Trust me, if anyone is confused, it’s me. I don’t know what is wrong with me. But i’m pretty sure I deserve to be locked up in an insane asylum and never be let out. That doesn’t sound like my worst option right now.
I’ll be honest. I’ve been a little down lately. I feel like everything is going wrong. Nothing really is. But nothing is going right either. Maybe because Brandon hasn’t said a word to me lately. Maybe it’s just this dark dreary weather that makes me feel like this. But I just feel so over it all. All I wanna do is go and sit down beside Mikey and not say a word. Just sit there until he gets up the courage to tell me the truth. And then I want to die.
I don’t say that to be morbid or creepy but I just mean that I’m sick of this world. I can’t wait to get out of here.
I don’t really mean that I want to die by the way. I do mean the rest of it though.
Last night me and Josiah were skyping with Justin. Brandon was in the back ground…doing dishes.Very loudly. And Instagraming pictures of the dishes or something dumb like that. I don’t know. I just know it was loud.
Why is this story even significant? Okay so it’s not.
Okay so he came over and was looking at whatever Justin was looking at on his computer. Okay so I was staring at his face. What of it? I happen to like his face. Deal with it.
Okay so I really want to watch LOTR right now.
Okay so I have problems. I’m also hungry. WHY is it not lunch time yet???
Okay so I really want a deviled ham sandwich. I’m not even pregnant. My word.
Okay so it’s impossible that I am pregnant. I’m still hungry. And who in the world instagrams dishes???
He really won’t give up. He never does give up, not on me anyways. Other girls, sure. Me? Never.
“Only in my dreams” he always says. I almost feel bad for the guy. The poor guy, he tries so hard. I do feel bad from time to time. Cause the truth is, of it wasn’t for Brandon, I would give him a chance, or half a chance at least. But no, we both know it’d never work.
He really won’t give up though! Honestly I don’t really want him to. It feels good to be wanted. I know that makes me sound like a major GT, but who doesn’t want to be loved? Poor guy…
He wants me to give in…only in your dreams Mikey, only in your dreams…
And maybe mine.