Complaints of a Girl in Love

…and all the joys that come once I realize what love really is

Month: May, 2014

The Difference

Sometimes I read the blogs of other little girls who think they are in love, or who want to be, or who want to not be, and I realize something. 

I’m not very much like them at all.

Well, I know I’m a little insane, I know I’m not quite right in the head, and I know I have hope that they don’t have, but it still worries me a bit. Cause…shouldn’t I be like them? I guess not.

I don’t want to be like them. Even if it meant I could be normal for once. Even if it meant I wasn’t so obsessed all the time. I don’t want to be like the rest. And I don’t want my love story to be like all the others. Mine is different for two reasons. One is because I have hope. No matter what happens in this world, I can never run out of love or hope because I have a love better than any man or boy could give. (That’s Jesus.)

And the other reason is because I am insane.

You think I’m making that up, I’m sure. That’s okay if you think that. It’s fine if you don’t want to believe that my O.C.D. almost killed me. That my brother wasn’t lying when he told me I was obsessed. That I live out my story as if it were just that; a story. I do what I would want a character in one of my books to do. And that is almost always a bad idea. But I do it because that is who I am.

I am who I am. Grace and love, he always tells me. “Grace and Love.”

He said that, not even knowing that those words are the literal meanings of my names.

Because as insane as I am, as broken and messed up, as confused and as done as I am, I can love. I can always love. I can always show grace, always show charity. And I’m the kind of girl who never gives up.

That’s why my story will be different. That’s why it doesn’t matter that I’m moody and bi-polar and take life too lightly. 

And that just might be why he loves me.

Two stories of love

My dear sweet love prayed and accepted Christ on Sunday night. I could not have been happier. Still I am so happy, so excited, so confused, so broken over what God has done…I can hardly stand.

Sunday he went to his other church. After church he and Justin were at my house. We played Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart for a while. Then, when Justin left, Mikey and Josiah and my little sister and I walked in the woods. It was a lot of fun. We love to play in the woods and in the swamp. When my sister and brother finally left, Mikey and I just stood there. I was standing on one side of a fallen log and he was on the other side. He walked over to me. He hugged me, said he loved me. Eventually I told him that we needed to go back.

“Do we have to? Because I’m comfortable right,” he sat down in front of me on the log, “here.”

I took his hands and pulled him back to his feet so that he was facing me. “Or here.” I said quietly.

“Why here?”

“I don’t know.”

For a while we were silent. I wouldn’t even look at him. He took my hands and tried to put my arms around his neck. Instead I took him in my hands and I kissed him hard.

I’m not going to make this story detailed and exciting because that isn’t the good part of this story. The good part is that night when he got home from work he prayed. And in his words, “it worked.”

And someday, yes someday, I’m going to marry him. I said that once before, about another boy. And I might have believed it then as well. But just because I was wrong before doesn’t mean I will give up hope now. 

The unnerving truth of it

“I can’t get you off my mind” 

I used to tell him that. I used to write that in letters I told myself he would never see. (He’s seen them all.) I used to wonder why, but still. I always said that, wrote that.

It’s even more true now. 

Infatuation is a funny thing. And when I say funny I mean strange, ridiculous, unnerving. I won’t lie; I have been infatuated with this boy for quite awhile now. His kiss only made it stronger. Now I see why they warned. Now I see…

I don’t take it back. And I know he wouldn’t have traded that moment for the world. 

I wish I could tell you guys a story. I know how you all adore stories. But nothing else has really happened. I saw him last night. We sat in church and listened to the former vice president of Haiti preach. (Which was super cool, that guy was awesome, a great man of God!) He had his arm around me most of the time. Which he later told me “was heaven.” Sure.

“There is indeed good and there is indeed evil, and both walk the earth. But good has little to do with the forms of religion, and evil has as little to do with so much behavior condemned by religion. Both good and evil vie for the passions of the heart. For love!” 
― Ted DekkerImmanuel’s Veins

You might not understand what that quote has to do with anything at all. But it is what I try to show him every day of my life. Every day I try so hard…

He will see.

And when he does he will never look away.

The first time or the last (a.k.a. the blog post you’ve been waiting for)

I walked toward his car in the empty side of the dark, hospital parking lot. He parked his car and got out. He walked to me. He almost didn’t hug me because he was sweaty from work. As if I cared right then.

I explained why I was there. I told him things that no one was supposed to know about. I didn’t know why, it just all came out.

He knew I was upset. He hugged me again and I kissed his cheek. He kissed mine. 

I didn’t want to let him go. I kissed his neck and he laughed.

“Kiss me.” I said, louder than I meant to.

“What?”

“Please kiss me.” I told him again.

“But you told me not to.”

“I don’t care.”

And he did. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have said that. But from the moment I walked out of the Emergency room doors I knew I was going to.

Was it all that I expected it to be? Yes. Almost. Was it all I had hoped it would be? Eh. Not really. I had high hopes.

Was it perfectly romantic, standing there in a parking lot in the middle of town, all alone, in the dark, just us? Oh yes, it was indeed. And I doubt I shall be able to think of anything else for weeks. I doubt I will stop thinking of his lips on mine for quite awhile now. 

In fact, neither of us got much done yesterday, thinking about it.

Which just shows how young and childish we are still.

Or how in love we are. And maybe that’s the same thing.

 

Save me

I wish I could show you the story we wrote together last night, but I am an idiot so I deleted the messages. But it was terrific and terrifying. You would have liked it.

I dreamed of him last night. He saved me in the dream. Just like he always does.

We went through something hard. We lost a close friend last Thursday. I was the one who told him, and I hated to. But if it was not for him I do not know that I would have made it through this. He was there. He left school and came to my house. He was there when I had to go to the “viewing” and see the freaking body that was NOT HER. He was there in Sunday School when we were talking about her, and I was sure I couldn’t do it. He was there in church, he was there at the funeral, he was there standing with me by the graveside holding me up when I was sure I would fall. He was there holding me close through all the tears and I was for him as well.

She would be proud of him I know. She would be proud of us all. She always was. Is.

It’s been a hard week. But we’re going to make it I know.

I am so glad to have someone now who saves me in real life, and not only in my dreams.